I've been tempted to do this for a while now, but I always get nervous and either don't do it at all or back out and not actually post what I type. I also feel like no one would ever bother to read it since I feel like everywhere I go I just get ignored, and always end up feeling like I don't exist, so I don't like making these sorts of posts anymore. I also don't really know what my intentions are with things like this. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, I don't want pity, and I'm not asking for help or advice so please don't reply with things like that. I guess it's a mix of trying to see if I could somehow meet someone new and make a new friend that understands or is in the same situation, while also trying to warn those that deal with these things too. So anyway, I'll get to what I came to say. I've dealt with bad anxiety for at least the last 20 or more years, it's mostly social anxiety though I don't think it's the only kind. Just that social anxiety has turned me into a hollow shell, and has left me in a state of constant sadness and not wanting to exist. It makes it almost impossible for me to meet people and have friends, and even in the rare cases when I do meet people and make a friend it hurts that too because I'm horrible at expressing myself and at holding conversations and it seems most people take it the wrong way even though I try to explain. For several years I was okay with being alone, and I actually wanted to be alone, but for whatever reason in 2016 it just seemed to hit me how alone I was and I fell apart. Since then I've tried to register on various different sites to try meeting people online since it's much easier for me, though I still struggle a lot even online. At one point I had several people on Skype I was talking to, and for the first time in a long time I felt okay. Then at the end of 2016 something happened that not only hurt me significantly, but also hurt my ability to trust others. I found out my grandmother had died, but it wasn't through my family it was through a Google search. The worst part about it came because I had lost contact with her, and hadn't spoken to her in years, so what I found was that she had died in 2015 but no one bothered to tell me. It took away a lot of whatever was left inside of me, and since most people I was talking to showed no concern I pushed them away. Fast forward to March of 2018, and I was pretty much still trying to pull myself back together. Then the last of my grandparents died, and whatever was left inside of me went with her. I pushed more people away and tried to isolate myself, but I eventually saw that was making it all worse. The problem there is that those I pushed away wanted nothing more to do with me because they never cared in the first place, and ever since then I can't seem to meet anyone new so I pretty much gave up trying. I managed to meet one person online a few months later, who is the only person that even bothers to show that they care and unlike anyone else I met they were even willing to play PSO with me. They even came to visit me recently, and that was the first time in several years I actually spent time with someone face to face. No matter how much they show it though, it's just hard to feel like anyone cares or anyone wants me around because I'm so used to no one caring or people not even giving me a chance. A lot of those people I had met before them also took advantage of me, and ended up only wanting me there when they wanted or needed someone. When all you want are a couple of people that are true friends but you're limited by anxiety, and no one else seems willing to give you a proper chance then what do you even do? I've tried explaining myself, but so far no one really seems to understand just how painful it is and how empty you feel when you're that alone. They seem to think it's so easy to just walk out and meet people, but they don't get the anxiety aspect of things. No one wants to see me beyond my issues, and they don't see me for who I really am. It's ruined who I am as a person, and it's ruined my life because at this point I really don't have much left. The few people that have at least said anything to me always suggest medications and therapy, but none of that did a thing because it didn't address the core problem... loneliness, and no amount of therapy or medication will fix that and will only numb it. It just continues to get worse, and I don't see myself ever getting out of this because I genuinely feel that it's my curse to be alone. I've read that loneliness can be as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and is more dangerous than obesity, and I feel it too. I've tried telling my family how I've felt over the last few years, but they ignored it which just made me feel even more like no one cares. So if by chance anyone reading this feels alone, you really don't want to keep it that way because it is more dangerous than you may think. It hurts you mentally and physically, and over time it can put you in a position where you just don't even want to live anymore. You may think you're okay with it just like I was, but eventually it's going to hit you and it's going to suck. You get to a point where you feel like you aren't good enough for people, and your self-esteem just evaporates into nothing. If you feel sad and depressed because you're alone, things like therapy and especially medications won't work if there's nothing wrong with you mentally because it's trying to fix something that isn't broken. Obviously it can work if the root of the problem stems from mental health, but again those things don't cure loneliness. For anyone that actually reads all of this, thank you. For anyone out there that deals with things like anxiety, depression, loneliness, or any other issues that hold you down, I truly hope you can overcome because those things can leave you feeling completely drained especially if you let it control you.