Alakaboom's blog/thread, Reader Discretion Advised. Safe for work.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Alakaboom, Jan 8, 2017.

  1. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest


    This is Alakaboom, signing in for the first time on this website. I'm on Facebook with a blog page and can be found by searching facebook search for @Lorelei.Moira

    This is the history and why I sometimes come off as messed up.

    From the time I was old enough to understand that I was different (in my case three to five years old), I struggled with my identity and later talked smack about everyone else and everything else to avoid dealing with my issues.

    I was reading the DSM-5 section that deals with diagnosing someone with Gender Dysphoria and Bodily Image Disorder with and I couldn't help but think that that is who I am and that I needed to come to terms with it or I will be living a lie and be distraught forever.

    That said, I want to share something that I have been thinking about most recently for the last year and a three months.

    A long time ago, I read that no one escapes their emotional response to things forever. Eventually, we all have to deal with how we feel about stuff, and running from it only makes it more painful. Many people end up self-medicating by abusing substances, causing pain to themselves, hurting their loved ones, the list of negative things people do goes on and on. All this just to avoid feeling what we are trying so desperately to avoid. Eventually, we all have to stand up and be honest with ourselves, or bitterly take it to the grave.

    I used to think I was just a transvestite, I liked dressing in women's clothes, but once I started to wonder about how well they'd fit if I didn't have my man parts It became very apparent that it was more serious than that. I started trying to imagine how i'd look if i was a girl, if i could ever be beautiful, or if even just pretty would be ok. Overly large boobs are not my style, but i don't want tiny ones either. Ideally I'd like to keep them no larger than a 40 D - Mostly because i have wide shoulders. Otherwise it would be too much for my self image. Who knows though.

    I think I could be pretty, but its going to take time. I'm going to have to start taking hormones ASAP, while I grow my hair out for a long time just so i can put it into a pony tail or a bun, learn to how to do make-up (and how to pick what is right for my style and body), learn how to dress for every occasion, and get gender appropriate glasses (can't wear contacts). Learning to talk like a girl is going to be the hardest, far and away. Not every girl is beautiful on the outside (or the inside) though, so hopefully I can have a beautiful personality to go with my (hopefully) pretty body.

    Going shopping for clothes is going to be expensive. Super excited and looking forwards to it, but it will make me nervous at the same time if i have to do it alone or with the wrong person (or maybe just because it is different from what I'm used to). Old diagnosis criteria for anyone interested. somewhat updated since then, but can't find a free, current version uploaded. most of it is the same though.

    a few excerpts from the diagnosis criteria that describe me best:

    "In adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as a stated desire to be the other sex, frequent passing as the other sex, desire to live or be treated as the other sex, or the conviction that he or she has the typical feelings and reactions of the other sex."

    "In adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as preoccupation with getting rid of primary and secondary sex characteristics (e.g., request for hormones, surgery, or other procedures to physically alter sexual characteristics to simulate the other sex) or belief that he or she was born the wrong sex."

    "For some males who present later in life...sexual activity with a woman is accompanied by the fantasy of being lesbian lovers."

    "They may express a wish to be a girl and assert that they will grow up to be a woman. they may insist on sitting to urinate and pretend not to have a penis by pushing it in between their legs. More rarely, boys with Gender Identity Disorder may state that they find their penis or testes disgusting, that they want to remove them, or that they have, or wish to have, a vagina."

    I do not appear to be a woman naturally, as you can see, and therefore i cannot be described as Intersex.

    Furthermore, I definately hate having to hide this as well from real world people, especially since i can't be the real me at my job or in my house outside of my room, but at the same time I'm so overpoweringly ashamed by it that I'm hanging (by a thread) by not trying to find a place to work that is okay with transwomen being themselves, on the job.

    Honestly I still want to be with women, but as a woman. I hate having a penis, and wish that someday I could wake up without it.

    And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
    No.00000, Glitchmage, Knowl and 7 others like this.
  2. ScoobyDew

    ScoobyDew Casual As Fuck

    Vũng Tàu, Vietnam
    Well, a lot more interesting than reading about PSO shit all day. Good for you. Though I'm sure your path is gonna be expensive in the states.

    So you still like chicks eh? Won't it be tough finding one that's cool with what you do?
    Harborer of Hope and Alakaboom like this.
  3. conenubi701

    conenubi701 קרטל אל

    Just be yourself homie. You still have the manliest car on the forum though.
    EricPimpi, Jyuki, Spuz and 1 other person like this.
  4. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    I could never seriously date a man. I mean, No offense but the trust and the attraction just aren't there.

    EricPimpi likes this.
  5. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    P.S. if you wanna add me on your personal page drop me a PM with your facebook URL.
    EricPimpi likes this.
  6. Kyu

    Kyu Tragic/Luck

    The Dark World
    It is rare to see such transparency nowadays and I'd say you took a huge step in just doing that.

    In the end the choice is ultimately up to you, just be sure not to let others cloud your judgment thus throwing you into a continual state second guesses and overthinking.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2017
    Spuz likes this.
  7. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    My mom has me second guessing myself since I was very, very little. I'll make a post about that in a few
  8. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    Wrote this to her a few days ago. I plan to deliver it in an envelope marked "Open when ready" once I move out.

    I wrote this myself. Its a future letter to my mom as written in the perceived past.

    Hey, Mom;

    I know that I have hurt you, badly. Please, when you read this, understand it was never my intention.

    Today is 1/6/17. It is dark right now. I started writing this with you screaming at me on the phone and I was shouting at you back. I'm going to write this for you anyway because I love you, and you are my mother. You fought tooth and nail for me to be the best me I could ever be. I remember. I never imagined I would have to cut you out of my life until I wrote this. I remember being so mad, sad, and torn, unable to sleep for hours, but between moving on to eventual happiness, or being angry forever, I think it was the right decision.

    I'm writing this pre-op. I'm wearing a three quarter sleeve, green lace, v-neck dress with a ribbon bow tied on it. I'm sure you've seen it because you told me you did before we stopped talking to or seeing each other.

    I know this was hard for you. You were born and raised in an era where if people weren't conforming to society, they either hid it and took care of their needs behind closed doors, were ostracized or put into mental hospitals, or killed themselves. My dysphoric situation has become more mainstream lately and people are way more accepting of it now.

    Presently, my legs are hairy, my arms are hairy. I'm not clean shaven, my scalp hair is very short, frankly i look like shit. Yet I don't care. I have never felt so happy to be able to be true to my self-image, which is, as you have know since you are reading this, a woman. I never said I would be externally pretty, but its the inside that you are always told that matters. I feel like a beautiful pearl and my oyster shell is starting to break off so I can be appreciated and begin to find my way.

    The first time someone used my chosen name, Lorelei, to get my attention, It made me feel bubbly. I'll admit, I was a little confused about it at first, but i'm used to it now. Something about being on my own living as a woman makes me feel awesome, right, and free. It was time for me to start feeling that on a daily basis.

    Since I was very, very young I have wanted to be a woman. As I grew up in my male body I became angry, and every year I was more and more so. I lived up until recently in sanitarium strength anguish because of my bodily gender not conforming to my perceived gender. I told you once before, and I know you didn't believe me at the time. Saying goodbye to someone you knew your entire life is hard, I know. It was excruciating. I'm doing it to myself at the time this was written.

    I am not asking you to forgive me, I don't want that. I want you back in my life but only if you're going to make me feel welcome in the family and they won't ostracize me again.

    If you ever feel like you want to talk to me again, Search Facebook for either @Lorelei.Moira or find my personal page, Lorelei Moira. Just so you know, there will be obvious clues about where I am, and I'll respond immediately if you add me and message me. I know you'll find a way to find me. I will always be your daughter and I will always look forwards to hearing from you again.

    With love,
    Lorelei Moira.
    ScoobyDew, Kenpachi and Kyu like this.
  9. Spuz

    Spuz Without rain, nothing grows.

    Guildcard 2:
    Boom, you da (wo)man!


    All I gotta say is fair play. It's not an easy subject to just talk about or announce I'm sure. And it's good to be true to yourself. Big respect to you.
    Alakaboom likes this.
  10. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    No worries, actually had my first experience with a friend turning enemy today. Nothing a lil block can't fix.
  11. ScoobyDew

    ScoobyDew Casual As Fuck

    Vũng Tàu, Vietnam
    I've been thinking about this stuff lately cause you know... South East Asia and ladyboys and what not here. To be honest. I don't know how Vietnam feels about trannies. Many of them are Christian. I haven't seen any ladyboys here in Vietnam but i have seen them on TV so it is definitely out there.

    While being homosexual is obviously given at birth. I've always been thinking that trannies are mentally ill. Not in a bad sense. Liking the same sex i can understand. But this feeling of "wanting to be a woman" is obviously... strange. Why? What does this even feel like?

    Wanting to be a different sex than your own seems just as you stated, a disorder. Something about the brain just doesn't sit right with being a man? Is there no way of getting over it?
    Alakaboom likes this.
  12. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    Solid thought, and I really appreciate that you took the time to read and analyze my situation. In Kind, I will answer and not just get offended by your thought process, though it is hard to have someone tell you that you're doing something for the wrong reasons; No is very powerful to me.

    I've been in therapy for this and kept it under wraps for years to people outside my immediate family and very close friends. I'm not in it for the sexy factor. I really do feel like I should be a woman, but not for the reasons you listed. It just happens that I am out recently and trying to decide what to do now.

    That said, I know I will never menstruate or have the ability or reproductive organs available to me in order to produce a child or give birth, Though I have expressed interest in that idea on my personal page. My long term goals include adopting a very young child and raising him/her up until I die, as my mother raised me, only to be more understanding of them. I would only even think of doing this after I am financially stable and no longer in the part time/transition phase (read: 32+). I do understand that having the non physical symptoms associated with a period will put me on the emotionally fucked up side of things. I try to avoid thinking about all the crying I'll be doing when I let loose all of the shit I've bottled up inside me to date.

    I do want to be pretty and cute, but It isn't my first priority, it just happens to be the flavor of late. I really desire to be professional for most of my life. Pretty to me means smartly dressed and to have long hair and confidence. As an older person, I hope to leave behind a legacy including a family that I was a part of.

    When I first started to think about dating, living my entire life as a man was not something that made me happy. I was indeed a "late bloomer," and really only started dating when I was 25. I felt so bad when I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be a lesbian. She said, "...I like penis and you have one, don't change..." She broke up with my two weeks later for whatever reason she came up with (I was a messy eater and acted like a child with her, or something to that effect). She was my only love so far and I was uncomfortable having to be the masculine one, so I acted like I wanted her to take charge and it didn't go over well, as you can tell.

    I have a very good perception of myself as far as what I want to do, and like I said, I'm not only in it for the sexual side. It is my desire to have a female companion in life as a woman, not be someone's bitch, or make someone my bitch, though I'm sure I will have that phase eventually. I have always been a submissive person so I'm really hoping to find a woman who has a dominant personality who will be willing to live with me as such.
    EricPimpi, Kyu, anime and 1 other person like this.
  13. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    Its a lot of anger directed at yourself, typically your gender defined role in life and many times with your sexual parts. While at first It was true that I wanted it for little more than the sex, It devolped into the reasons I had listed in the previous post. I Could never raise a child without a partner though, so that's my biggest hangup so far.

    I also am split on it being called a "Disorder" because it encompasses a lot of different normal emotions, but it also places those emotions on the wrong side of the gender binary.

    There's also something that is very common with transwomen- there is a part of the brain that is thought to be half the size of the normal man's and it is responsible for triggering these emotions, I have this "problem" as noted by my doctor when I was younger.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2017
    EricPimpi likes this.
  14. anime

    anime Bonsai Trees Staff Member

    Guildcard 2:
    I appreciate the civilized discussion in this thread tbqh family
    cameron-, pupcake, Suhono and 5 others like this.
  15. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    Real Ladies don't start fights, that's what bitches do. It is my goal to be able to take every hit in stride and keep going!
    Nikki and Spuz like this.
  16. shadowflare60

    shadowflare60 Cat with a drinking problem

    my own private hell
    It takes an imense amount of strength being comfortable in ones skin. I have a serious amount of respect and admiration for you deciding to finaly do as such.

    You will lose friends. You will be met with hate by transphobic people. This i know, as my best friend irl who is currently transitioning is being disowned for their decision to transition. I stand by my friend, and I refuse to let the hate, the missunderstanding, and lets face it fear get the better of them.

    I wish you all the luck in the world. Stay safe, and ignore all the hate out there. Be yourself.
  17. ScoobyDew

    ScoobyDew Casual As Fuck

    Vũng Tàu, Vietnam
    Yet you'll never be a real woman. You can dress like one, talk, walk and look like one but you aren't one. Doesn't this still conflict with your brain? You want to be a woman but deep down you know you never can be one. Isn't this a problem? Plus... it's a dangerous path.

    Gays seem to be accepted to some degree but i think trannies freak people out. Asians get away with it because Asians seem to... for lack of better words, overlap between the two sexs. What i mean is it is easy for a woman to look like a man or vice versa because their body frame, facial features are similar between man and woman. Sometimes it can difficult to even tell if a tranny is really a man or a legit woman.

    However for white men. It's obvious they are trannies. This obviousness can be uncomfortable for people. I remember taking the train by the Greenwich Village area where many trannies,gays live. They would sit on the train and everyone would be so... flabbergasted by them. No matter what they did to their bodies,voices, it was obvious they were men. Only after all the surgery and hormones they were just obviously disfigured men.

    I'm not against what you're doing. Lol i live a couple hundred miles away from ladyboy land myself. What I'm saying is that it'll be obvious to everyone that you're a man. You can never be a woman biologically. Does that affect your disorder or do you just bypass that feeling? Maybe it's just about feeling like a woman. I dunno
    Alakaboom likes this.
  18. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    This does not affect my decision in any way shape or form.
  19. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Do not fret, as there are many of us who are worse off- Legally speaking, Change of gender is not even legal in many countries. Even if you have a relevant diagnosis.

    I understand that I do not conform to the gender binary, not even close. After doing some further research on terms, my Gender Identity is, obviously, Female. However, My Gender Expression is very male and my biological sex is obviously male.
  20. Alakaboom

    Alakaboom Guest

    I encourage all of you to pick up the latest National Geographic Special Issue- Its called Gender Revolution.

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