READER DISCRETION ADVISED. This is Alakaboom, signing in for the first time on this website. I'm on Facebook with a blog page and can be found by searching facebook search for @Lorelei.Moira This is the history and why I sometimes come off as messed up. From the time I was old enough to understand that I was different (in my case three to five years old), I struggled with my identity and later talked smack about everyone else and everything else to avoid dealing with my issues. I was reading the DSM-5 section that deals with diagnosing someone with Gender Dysphoria and Bodily Image Disorder with and I couldn't help but think that that is who I am and that I needed to come to terms with it or I will be living a lie and be distraught forever. That said, I want to share something that I have been thinking about most recently for the last year and a three months. A long time ago, I read that no one escapes their emotional response to things forever. Eventually, we all have to deal with how we feel about stuff, and running from it only makes it more painful. Many people end up self-medicating by abusing substances, causing pain to themselves, hurting their loved ones, the list of negative things people do goes on and on. All this just to avoid feeling what we are trying so desperately to avoid. Eventually, we all have to stand up and be honest with ourselves, or bitterly take it to the grave. I used to think I was just a transvestite, I liked dressing in women's clothes, but once I started to wonder about how well they'd fit if I didn't have my man parts It became very apparent that it was more serious than that. I started trying to imagine how i'd look if i was a girl, if i could ever be beautiful, or if even just pretty would be ok. Overly large boobs are not my style, but i don't want tiny ones either. Ideally I'd like to keep them no larger than a 40 D - Mostly because i have wide shoulders. Otherwise it would be too much for my self image. Who knows though. I think I could be pretty, but its going to take time. I'm going to have to start taking hormones ASAP, while I grow my hair out for a long time just so i can put it into a pony tail or a bun, learn to how to do make-up (and how to pick what is right for my style and body), learn how to dress for every occasion, and get gender appropriate glasses (can't wear contacts). Learning to talk like a girl is going to be the hardest, far and away. Not every girl is beautiful on the outside (or the inside) though, so hopefully I can have a beautiful personality to go with my (hopefully) pretty body. Going shopping for clothes is going to be expensive. Super excited and looking forwards to it, but it will make me nervous at the same time if i have to do it alone or with the wrong person (or maybe just because it is different from what I'm used to). http://genderpsychology.org/transsexual/dsm_iv.html Old diagnosis criteria for anyone interested. somewhat updated since then, but can't find a free, current version uploaded. most of it is the same though. a few excerpts from the diagnosis criteria that describe me best: "In adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as a stated desire to be the other sex, frequent passing as the other sex, desire to live or be treated as the other sex, or the conviction that he or she has the typical feelings and reactions of the other sex." "In adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as preoccupation with getting rid of primary and secondary sex characteristics (e.g., request for hormones, surgery, or other procedures to physically alter sexual characteristics to simulate the other sex) or belief that he or she was born the wrong sex." "For some males who present later in life...sexual activity with a woman is accompanied by the fantasy of being lesbian lovers." "They may express a wish to be a girl and assert that they will grow up to be a woman. they may insist on sitting to urinate and pretend not to have a penis by pushing it in between their legs. More rarely, boys with Gender Identity Disorder may state that they find their penis or testes disgusting, that they want to remove them, or that they have, or wish to have, a vagina." I do not appear to be a woman naturally, as you can see, and therefore i cannot be described as Intersex. Furthermore, I definately hate having to hide this as well from real world people, especially since i can't be the real me at my job or in my house outside of my room, but at the same time I'm so overpoweringly ashamed by it that I'm hanging (by a thread) by not trying to find a place to work that is okay with transwomen being themselves, on the job. Honestly I still want to be with women, but as a woman. I hate having a penis, and wish that someday I could wake up without it. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.